


Stupid piece of shit

by ElisabethFaber



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Jason Tries, Kinda a happy ending, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-24 09:09:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19170172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElisabethFaber/pseuds/ElisabethFaber
Summary: Dick wishes he could have hope, a happy life. But there is nothing left for him after failing to protect others and himself.He tries to kill himself.Jason wishes he could be a part of the whole family again, without his anger and trauma. But his own emotions keep him struggeling.He finds Dick on a rooftop, now confronted with the other side of Dick and overwhelmed by the situation.Tim wishes for perfection, to fullfill everything flawless, but his own mind tortures him.He gets the call for help from Jason.





	Stupid piece of shit

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short note at the beginning,  
> This is the first time for me to post something.   
> I'm a little bit nervous, but I hope you enjoy reading it.
> 
> And please do yourself a favour and don't read this story, if you are triggered by the content.

Dick did not feel anything. Nothing at all as the blade hits his arm. He took a deep breath, feeling the adrenaline in his veins. A maniac laughter escapes his mouth. Since when was he that pathetic? Stupid piece of shit. The darkness is something, nobody would expect to be in his mind. What a happy human being he was, loved by everyone. But not by himself. Dick drank something from the whiskey bottle next to him. He decided to end his suffering, as soon as the dawn sets in. Not because he hated himself. But because of all the things, which led Dick to do so. All these things screaming in his head, were not that bad. Nothing serious had happened to him, to justify his feelings. He was just a looser. Wouldn’t even say goodbye to his family. He couldn’t face the visit to the manor. Of course Dick had a plan, how to say goodbye without spreading concern to his family members. “I´m moving to Egypt for a case. Will take a while. So, time to say goodbye” he babbled to himself, while taking another sip. “What great plan Dick. Congratulations for this being the best of an excuse you could have find.” So, he ended up, not saying goodbye. Without this, nothing held him here any longer. Plan for tonight: getting on that god damn roof, trying to fly, fail by doing so and ending his pity life. The clock was moving too slowly for Dick. He was sitting on the floor in his kitchen, drunk and bleeding from a cut he did. The dawn was soon starting to set in. Dick imagined standing on the roof for the first time, as the person he was. A broken man with no mask to hide behind any more.

Something inside him still clung to the hope, somebody would show mercy and appears surprisingly at his door, just to check on him, telling him, what a horrible idea this is. But that is not going to happen. So, he just took another sip from the bottle. Since when was he a kind of edgy teenager? Dick carved his fingernails into his fists. He pretended to not know anything. Not how he fell apart, not how his mind began to crack. “It is not your fault” something in the corner of his mind tried to tell him, but he did not listen. He did not want to relive the moments, to remember them. So instead he just pretended to be some careless fucker, who did not deserve anything but death.

Dawn had broken. Dick knew what is going to happen. He stood up, not very well balanced on his feet. But he did not care. Wouldn’t matter any ways in a few minutes. All his way to the roof, Dick just felt numb. No guilt. No shame. As it was some kind of well accepted fact, that his life will end now. He was definitely going to jump. The edge underneath his feet. He closed his eyes. This was what he wanted. So he jumped and fell. He did not feel anything. No guilt. No shame. Just him falling.

Suddenly Dick wasn’t falling any more. He is held in someone's arms. “What are you thinking to do here?” An angry voice shouted, clinging to Dick´s not reacting body. Dick began to scream, to cry, to do everything to get out of the grip of this stranger. “No. Please.” He begged. He whimpered. “Shhh. Its me, Jay. Please Dick calm down. I won´t hurt you. I’m here to help.” Jason’s voice was trembling. Dick froze. Shit this was Jason next to him. It was Jay, who saved him. Who saw him crying, screaming begging. Jason pulled him carefully in a hug. “Shhh. You’re save with me.” He whispered. “Jay. I can’t. I can’t live any more. Everything is falling apart. I’m falling apart.” Silent tears ran over Dicks face. “I am here Dick. I’m here. You are save with me. I will always be here for you.” While looking up into Jason's face, Dick realized that Jason is crying. Jason, with his big mouth, his savageness, his kinda grumpy attitude, was crying because of Dick. Of him wanting to kill himself. “I´m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” Dick stuttered. Jason did not react. Maybe because he did not want Dick to apologize for his feelings, but also he felt weirdly betrayed by Dick for not even calling him, talking to him about his struggles with life. “Let us go inside… Please” is the only answer, Jason could bring over his lips. So they find themselves cuddled together on Dicks couch. Dick felt asleep a while ago, but Jason could not even think of falling asleep. He was to worried, Dick would trick him and as soon as Jason falls asleep, Dick is climbing on that damn roof again. He felt Dicks warmth on his skin and if this would have taken place under different circumstances, he’d be secretly happy about cuddling with his brother. He loved Dick. But even if Dick did see him as a brother too, their relationship would be doomed after this night. Jason would destroy him. Their relationship would become an echo chamber of his anger, he felt in this world. And with this Dick laying beside him, Jason knew that it will end up spiralling them both to the ground. But laying here, cuddled up with Dick, he had a little fragment of hope inside him. That maybe he could actually help his bigger brother. They could be happy. Jason would become less angry, because he could finally open up about his feeling towards the family, Even Bruce, to be there for Dick and they would understand that the pit, is not what he is. And Dick would become happier, because Jason will support him in any way on his path through life, caring, protecting. But in the same moment he realized, his utopians thinking. Nobody will forgive him. Nobody will want him around Dick. Jason was toxic. No good for anyone. But Dick needed him. All Jason wanted, is to be this type of brother. Forgetting his death, his trauma, his anger for being an outcast in the family for so long. But he couldn't. The sun began to rise. Jason's heart cramped. He was so egoistically. Dick tried to kill himself and all he could think of, were his stupid hurt feelings. He thought about taking some painkillers. He was such a stupid piece of shit.

The next morning was horrible. As soon as Dick opened his eyes, he started to remember the last night. A crippling feeling trying to possess his body. Dick just wanted to close his eyes again and never wake up again. To die. Jason lied right next to him, his eyes closed. So maybe Dick could give it a shot to sneak out and try… No he couldn’t do that to Jason. Jay would never forgive himself for closing his eyes that night. But there was this huge urge inside of Dick to remedy his feelings, to make last night something of acceptable. Dick moved from the couch, slowly and quiet forward to the bathroom. He did not say, that his way to cope was any good. The lock of the door clacked behind Dick, giving him a feeling of security. The mirror reflected his exhausted self, but Dick did not care at all. All he cared about was, what hides behind the mirror. Razorblades, reserved only for the use of self-harming. His hands were shaky as he reached out, carefully taking the cold blade in his right hand. The sweater he was wearing was still from yesterday and had still blood on it. He shoved his sleeve up and started to cut. There were scars all over his body. Arms, hips, legs, feet. All scarred. That means the new ones did not matter that much anyway. More and more losing control of the act, Dicks arm became a bloody battlefield. A small whimper escaped from his mouth, but the pain was good. Too good to stop. Slowly slipping down to the floor, Dick smiled. The cuts were not too deep to be life threatening, so it was nothing to worry about, right? Until Jason knocked alarmed at the door. “Dick? Everything okay?”. Dicks smile dropped immediately. He was not able to answer. No words in his head. Everything went blank. All Dick was capable of was staring at the wall right in front of him. “Dick?” Again, no answer. “Please open the door.” Jason begged, but no movement. So he decided to go full rampage mode, smashing the door. As soon as the door was out of the way, Jason sank down to his knees right next to Dick. “Dick?” He whispers with a little panic in it. There was blood everywhere on his arms and on the floor next to him. But Dick just sat there, staring at the wall. Still no movement. Still no word from him. For Dicks sake Jason had to act quick with these wounds.

While Dick was still in his shock stasis, as Jason described it in his head, he took care of the injuries. At the first touch Dicks body tensed even more than before and remained like this the whole process, with a small teardrop escaping his staring eyes. What had happened to Dick? The good kind soul, always a smile on his lips, helping others. What had happened to his adoptive brother? To his friend? Suddenly Dick fell out of the stasis, crying and sobbing, clinging to Jason's sleeve. “Jay? Jay?” His voice sounded so heart-breaking. “I´m here Dickie. I´m here for you.” And that was how they spend their whole morning. Sitting on the floor, kindly cuddling each other. But as peaceful as was, Jason became hungry. He hated himself for interrupting this intimidate moment. “Hey Dick? Maybe we could go get some lunch. If you feel like going out?” “Yeah sure. We should probably do that.” He mumbled into Jason´s chest. “Stay put. I will get you some clothes from your wardrobe.” As Jason stood up, taking the blade of course with him, he first went to his jacket, taking some painkillers out and swallowed them. Next point on his list, was to throw the blade into the trash. Far far away from Dick. Sneaking up to the broken bathroom door, to check after Dick, he felt a little ridiculous. Jason left this man like 5 minutes ago, but still there was this looming fear inside him. But Dick sat exactly were Jason left him. He sighed and turned to walk in the bedroom. Dicks room and his whole flat was a mess. And so was his wardrobe. Annoyed by this chaos Jason took some random sweater, only caring if it had sleeves which had full coverage of the arm. He once again returned to the broken bathroom door, handing Dick the sweater and leaving him some space to get dressed. Silently they left the flat, heading to some random pizza store down the street. Just one question, one word, lingered in the air. Why?

 

“Hey Tim. It’s Jason. Ummm… I’m calling, because… I was visiting Dick. You know, for a case… And I found him on the roof. He tried to … jump. Tim, I swear to god, if you tell Bruce about this, I’ll try killing you again… Sorry... Just don’t tell Bruce. Please Tim. I need your help. I don’t know what to do. Fuck, I really need a … brother. So going to regret this… please call me back ASAP.”

“This is why I usually don’t sleep” Tim murmured to himself. Tired eyes stared at a bright smartphone screen. “Everything is going down, if I do so.” Jason’s voice message sounded worryingly desperate. A state Tim had seen on Jason just on a few rare occasions. He knew his family was fucked up. Himself included, but Dick always seemed okay. Fucked up too, but at least he dealt with it and was becoming somewhat of happy. Dick was the one, who talked to Tim, as things were going pretty bad. Dick was the one, who brought Jason back in the family. Dick was the one, who accepted and trusted Damian in under a month. Dick helped a lot of people, so now it was Tim’s part to pick up the job and help Dick. “Why Dick? Why did you never call? I would have helped you, like you helped me. Why? Why? Why Dick?”

The coffee machine was working, while Tim was working on getting himself dressed. He needed his coffee. Today especially. His mind had to be 100% awake, to face the upcoming talk with Jason and Dick. Why had Jason be the one to find Dick? Why not Barbara? The call made it obvious, that Jason was overwhelmed. And Jason being the most self-destructive person Tim knew besides Bruce, it was just a matter of time until he did something very stupid to cope with the situation. But who was time to judge. It was the third time, he tried to button his shirt up, but failed. Stupid piece of shit. He wasn’t the best option for this job either. Maybe that was the faith of all Robins. Mental illnesses fucking their life's. “Get your shit together Tim. You have to be the strong rational one now. This is about Dick and kinda Jason too. You are worried, I know. But no need to panic, to feel guilt or responsible. This is not your fault. Your job is to help, so get your shit together and do your job!” Tim told himself. It helps him to focus. He was scared. He was sad. His brother had tried to kill himself and there was nothing Tim could do against it. And because he had to fucking sleep, he missed Jason’s call and let him down. “Breath!” With a cup of coffee in his hands Tim left his flat, hoping he was able to fulfil his job.

 

Anxious Tim knocked on the door of Dick’s apartment. After a few moments of silence, he could hear movement inside. Jason opened the door with a slice of fresh pizza in his hand. Jason smiled as soon as he spotted Tim and stood aside as Tim went into the flat, heading straight for the kitchen in which he assumed Dick. And as usual Tim was right. Dick sat there, eating pizza and also smiling as Tim entered the kitchen. “Hey Timmy. What’s up?” Tim couldn't believe his ears. Made Jason a cruel joke? Was this Dick right in front of him really suicidal? Tim was confused as hell. What was going on? “Hey Dick. Just checking in, I guess.” Suddenly there was some kind of insecurity in Dick’s eyes and Tim realised Dick was trying to put on a play for Tim. Jason was standing next to the kitchen sink, trying to get an overview on the situation, because Tim was pissed and Dick was acting like nothing had happened. And now they were just staring at each other. “Jason told you, didn’t he?” Dick’s voice sounded exhausted and vulnerable. “Of course he did. What did you expect? That nobody cares? Jason found you as you tried to kill yourself Dick. And I just cannot believe, that after all we gone through, you decided not to call me.” Jason didn’t step in. This was something between his brothers and actually he had no clue, what Tim was referring to. So he just stand there and watched out, that Tim was not driving Dick over the edge. Dick crossed his arms behind his body, forcing a smile: “Tim… I’m sorry. It was stupid and I won’t try again, so there is no need for you to stay or even for Jason to stay. It was just a moment. I’m fine.” Tim was not amused over this statement. “That’s bullshit and you know that. First you don’t have to excuse what you have done.” Tim took a deep breath, shaking. “Second Dick I want to help you, like you helped me and for this you have to trust me. Would you have left me back then, if I have told you I’m fine? Please Dick, I just want to help you, be there for you.” Jason knew why he had called Tim. Even if Tim was not so good in expressing his own feelings, he was good at listening and talking to people about their problems. Jason sucks at both, so he was feeling useless and shitty. But as long as Dick is getting help, he was fine. He would be more then fine.

Dick was silent. He blinked, trying to force his tears back. “I can’t Timmy. I can’t! I don’ t want to think of it. I just want to forget it. I want it to go away. To never happened. But it is hunting me. I can’t run away. I can’t escape.” Jason tried to comfort Dick by touching his shoulder, but he flinched away, falling to the ground while doing so. “Dick!” Jason yelled worried, trying to kneel down, but Tim stepped in. “Jason stop!” Confused he looked to Tim. Then he looked back to Dick and saw it. His eyes. His gaze. Jason knew this kind of look. “No...” He paused. Dick looked up frightened. Then his view fell down to the ground. Jason’s body was filled with rage, but he tried to calm him down. His anger will not help Dick. But he did not know, what to do. Again he was overwhelmed. Luckily Tim took the part. “You have to tell us, what happened Dick. We want to help you. And you need to help yourself by no longer caging it inside of you. We will not judge, just listen. Also we will not push it. So speak when you are ready.” Jason thanked heaven for Tim. Not that he would tell him this. After the call he had a reputation to keep, but god, what would he do without replacement by his side.

“Something happened to me. I feel so stupid. I am stupid. How could I trust her? Because of me so many innocent people died. And all my effort to be a hero, to protect Bludhaven, ended in me being … And I couldn't do anything against it, because I was weak. Because I failed. Because I’m unmanly” The kitchen remained silent for a moment. “This was not your fault Dick. This was not your fault. You are not weak, unmanly or a failure. I wished I could had protected you. You are my brother and nothing is going to change that. I’m glad you told us, you trusted us. And I, we will always love you. Right Tim?” Tim nodded flashed by the words his older brother had found for Dick. He did not expect this of Jason. More words like “I am going to kill somebody tonight” and Tim was sure as hell, these were Jason’s first thoughts. But something made Jason to say differently and Tim was happy about that. Dick just cried. He was emotionally exhausted. “Are we allowed to hug you?” Tim asked and Dick nodded. So they ended on the kitchen floor hugging. Dick finally calmed down, cuddling himself more and more into his brothers. As their limbs began to hurt, they settled to the couch. “Sorry to interrupt the cuddling, but Dick we need to check your cuts.” Jason said, but he seemed kinda distracted. “Tim can you take care of it or… ” “Yes of course. If it’s okay for you Dick?” Tim interrupted. Dick nodded. He was not very fond of anyone getting near to his cuts, but he knew it had to be done and Tim was his brother. Also Dick was anxious because of the way Jason was acting. Did he do something wrong? Were the words from the kitchen lies? “Relax Dickie. I just suffer from nicotine withdrawal. I will be still here, when you’re coming back.”

As soon as Dick and Tim were out of sight Jason grabbed his jacket. He swallowed some painkillers and the tension inside him faded. Then he went outside to smoke. As he returned he found his brothers watching Lilo&Stitch on TV. He again positioned himself next to them. Dick was the first to fell asleep, Jason quickly followed. So Tim sat there watching this highly emotional movie recapping the day. He felt bad for Dick, because Tim couldn't think of anything accept of being there to help Dick through this. At the same moment he was somewhat proud. Of Dick for telling them and opening up. And of himself because he fulfilled his job. No punishment for wrong words. Tim looked at his brothers and knew how long the way would be for all of them to become happy, but sitting here next to them, his family, he felt something he hasn’t felt for a long time. And that was peace.


End file.
